


how i'm doing

by descentintothesun (curtainflames)



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, lapslock, mentioned other members, mostly changgu centric bc it's a lot in his head, strums guitar just slow dancing with your boyfriend in your friend's studio, too many black hole references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28871490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curtainflames/pseuds/descentintothesun
Summary: sometimes, changgu's mind gets swallowed into a black hole. shinwon pulls him out of the dark.
Relationships: Ko Shinwon/Yeo Changgu | Yeo One
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	how i'm doing

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from eric nam's how i'm doing 
> 
> <3
> 
> credits to celia for editing <3 ilysm!

during their non-promotion periods, changgu knows pentagon can rarely call it a rest period. yeah, maybe everyone catches up on their sleep during the first few days, but everyone is so ambitious that once they’ve got their required sleep, they’re off to do something else. 

hui’s already in the studio, preparing for their next album. hyunggu’s in extra classes or working on other projects. yuto and yanan spend time at the gym, then language classes. changgu himself busies himself with smaller projects like his next single for universe, looking for acting opportunities, and of course, gym time. 

everyone is in their own little world which can mean their off periods can be ones where they’re the most apart. they do pass their respective housemates, but changgu’s schedule always misaligns with dorm b. the fans even have a running joke that they all take pictures together and changgu is always mia. 

changgu usually doesn’t mind being alone. actually, on his solo schedules, he is usually with others so it’s not like he is truly alone. except, it’s not the same as being with his members. as much as changgu can be cheerful and friendly, it’s sometimes tough to plaster on the same polite smile. 

when he is truly alone, changgu indulges himself. he’ll play the songs he loves listening to as loud as he wants. he’ll eat whatever he wants without having to share. he’ll play an audiobook without any background chatter. 

as much as he can fill his alone time and give hours to whatever he decides to, sometimes there are times where he is just bored. he did his daily workout. he finished his online schoolwork. he listened to a chapter of his audiobook. 

changgu could feel accomplished with all he has done, but it doesn’t feel like a successful day. he has always been known to keep striving, to do everything to make himself a better changgu, but at the same time, he knows with always trying to improve, there are the thoughts of self-doubt that invalidate what he has already done. 

_ you lifted 60kg today. why not 65? you listened to one chapter of your audiobook. why not two? you worked on verse one of your next song. what about verse two? _

his source of motivation to be a better version of himself is supported by self-loathing. changgu knows it’s not the healthiest train of thought, but sometimes when he spends too much time alone, it swallows him whole. his little bubble becomes a black hole, sucking him into feelings which he’d rather keep to himself rather than pulling someone else along with him.

changgu jokes to himself that hiding his feelings is one reason he studies acting. so that when he does pass the members in his daily schedule, he won’t worry them. 

however, at his lowest points, changgu’s insecurity can’t help but leak out.

\---

the best example was the past summer when he was finally cast in his first musical role. 

musicals have always been his dream. when he got the role, he thought it was a dream come true. however, it’s not all the glitter and glamour he always imagined. being the newbie, he couldn’t help compare himself to his peers.

to improve, he’d get less sleep to practice lines, thinking that he’s used to less sleep so it shouldn’t matter that much. however, during one of the earlier rehearsals, fatigue stabbed him in the back to the point that he was visibly the one making the most mistakes. 

changgu felt so small. 

luckily, the three youngest were filming some extra content and coincidentally came to cheer him up. that’s when he couldn’t help but spill his feelings, even if he was in front of a camera, a space where he wishes to be a source of strength.

even after they filmed the trio leaving, they still u-turned back to give changgu hugs and reassurance before officially going to bother the next member. after getting his feelings off his chest, he felt grateful for them, but since he was still down in the dumps, he felt guilty for being so vulnerable not only for fans, also in front of his younger members whom he should be cheering up instead.

although he built himself back, the lingering feeling of those dark days stayed with him for a while. some days, changgu forgot the footage existed. some days, he was painfully reminded. just like the day all of them had to watch the triplet’s meddling show. 

changgu couldn’t be anything but nervous. the members have seen him at low points, but he still feels embarrassed thinking back to those times. so, when his lowest point is broadcast to seven other members, changgu fell silent. 

“wow, i had no idea. i should check on you more often.” shinwon’s voice echoes behind as changgu crossed his arms, observing how ‘weak’ he had become. 

he vowed to himself to not reach that point again. 

the black hole wouldn’t suck him up again. 

\--- 

as much as changgu has been cruising away from them, black holes still have a strong pull. 

  
  
  


they’re on another ‘rest’ period. after successful promotions, they all had newfound energy to work on their own things again. they accomplished so much. a first win! that’s certainly something they could be proud of, although changgu pays all the credit to everyone else, from the members to the fans.

there might have been some speed bumps, ones that gnaw at changgu’s ankles from time to time since he was the cause, but everything is better in general, changgu thinks. 

it’s another ordinary day, but changgu’s mind is slipping again. as much as he has done everything he scheduled himself to do, he feels unsatisfied. 

[shinwon]: hey, want to eat dinner together? 

when his phone pings, changgu’s staring up at the ceiling, analyzing all the little shapes on the white background as thoughts swirl around his head. when he flips his phone over to check, he assumes shinwon’s message is to everyone, that the older is just finding a dinner mate. so he just opens and closes the conversation, returning to the oh-so-interesting patterns. 

however, after a minute or two, his ringtone blasts through the room. being at a quiet space in the company, changgu looks around apologetically as he lowers the volume then answers the phone. 

“hey! did you just leave me on read?” 

“huh? i would never do that,” changgu feels slightly offended at the accusation and brings up the conversation. sure enough, he was wrong and the dark grey kakao bubble was a direct message to him. “oops.”

“yeah,  _ oops. _ now will you answer my question? want to have dinner with me?” 

“why me?” the question slips past changgu’s lips before he realizes it. it’s the truth though. shinwon usually eats with one of the other younger members, not him. 

“why not you?” 

“i mean…” 

“so what do you want? tteokbokki? from that place you like.” 

“i thought you were on a diet…” changgu mumbles, trying not to make dinner according to his preferences. 

“well, you and hongseok hyung are always on a diet too, but will that really stop you from ordering from your favourite place? i’ll pay so that means you get not only tteokbokki, but  _ free _ tteokbokki!” changgu breaks into a soft smile at shinwon’s lighthearted coaxing voice. leave it to ko shinwon to cheer him up with the littlest thing. 

“you really don’t have to…” changgu replies in a small voice, his body’s last attempt to reject shinwon. 

“but i want to.” changgu feels his heart skip a beat. “meet me in hyunggu’s studio at 10.”

“won’t hyunggu get mad if you make his studio smell like spicy sauce and fishcakes?” 

“maybe, but there’s a thing called air freshener, changgu.” with a defeated giggle, changgu hangs up on shinwon in an act of mini defiance. he’ll get a short heckling about the hang-up later, but changgu is more than excited for dinner. with his regained energy, he turns back to his laptop and finishes up the module he was chipping at. 

\---

changgu hasn’t been to hyunggu’s studio very many times. he doesn’t remember the last time he was there. in fact, he doesn’t come to this floor that often at all so he doesn’t even recall when he was last at the studios. 

he knocks lightly at the door, wondering if shinwon was there yet. being wrapped up in his work, changgu is five minutes late and he feels a bit guilty for it. however, when the door swings open and shinwon appears with a familiar plastic bag in hand, changgu breaks out in a genuinely bright smile. 

“you’re late. it’s getting cold already,” shinwon teases as changgu makes his way in, plopping on the couch. 

“i was only five minutes late,” changgu defends as he puts one of the audrey hepburn pictures he accidentally knocks down back up. “that’s not long enough for it to cool. unless it arrived an hour ago...?” 

“lucky for you, it only arrived ten minutes before you,” shinwon confesses as he sits beside him and peels off the white container top. the air fills with the familiar sweet spicy smell changgu knows and loves too much. when shinwon passes him a pair of chopsticks, he quickly snaps them apart and swirls them in the red mix, revealing all the contents. 

“wow, you even got glass noodles...and dumplings!” he meets shinwon’s eyes with a smile as he pulls one out, holding it up gleefully. 

“it’s cheat day, so i have to go all out,” shinwon reasons as he takes a ricecake, biting off half while changgu stuffs the entire dumpling in his mouth. they both let out a relieved sigh at the comforting taste that fills their mouth. changgu takes only a couple more chews before swallowing what’s left in his mouth and fishing for more. 

“so,” changgu looks up at shinwon after putting a mini sausage octopus in his mouth. the container’s about half-full now and changgu feels half-full literally and figuratively. food always makes him feel better. 

“hmm? what is it, hyung?” 

“what’s up with you lately?” shinwon asks as he crosses his legs. “you seem a bit off.” 

“do i?” changgu chuckles lightly, concealing that shinwon got him spot-on. shinwon has always been good at judging all the members’ feelings but ever since the summer, he seems extra spot-on when identifying when changgu’s mind slips. 

“you left me on read,” shinwon jabs which makes changgu guiltily scratch his neck once, “you usually don’t do that. so what’s on your mind?”

“nothing,” changgu answers first, peeking up at shinwon’s expression. he looks unconvinced. “literally! i’m not worrying about anything in particular.”

“okay-” 

“but i guess,” changgu feels briefly bad for cutting shinwon off, “sometimes i just feel down. i do everything i want in a day, but i just feel so… unsatisfied.” 

“you should praise yourself for the things you’ve done.” 

“i know, but my mind doesn’t let me sometimes,” changgu pouts as he stabs a poor ricecake with his chopsticks. “then, when i feel unsatisfied with myself, i feel so bad that it just spirals. i feel like i can’t do anything, but i don’t want to hinder you guys. everyone is doing so well nowadays, i don’t want to be the one to block you.” 

“well, you know we don’t mind, changgu. you can come to any of us anytime.” 

“i know,” changgu sighs softly, looking at his feet. he grumbles as he sees a spot of red sauce on his nice shoes. “but besides me being scared of revealing my feelings, everyone is just so busy these days. i feel like everyone should spend their time with someone who is worth spending time with. not with someone who is a burden.” 

“changgu.” changgu still hangs his head low, now fighting the tears brimming at his eyes. 

“yeah?” 

“look at me.” changgu doesn’t budge. the tears are flowing against his will and he feels too ashamed to lift his head. however, two gentle hands hold his cheeks and lift his head. with blurry vision, changgu meets shinwon’s eyes again. his soft caring brown eyes. “changgu, you’re doing well.” 

“am i?” changgu lets himself sniffle. he acknowledges that he’s already crying on shinwon’s hands. he doesn’t want a trail of snot to join that mix. “am i really?”

“you are. you really are, changgu,” shinwon starts as he brushes the tears with the pads of his thumb. “i’m so proud of you.” 

“kiss me then.” shinwon blinks a bit but chuckles, running his thumb over changgu’s cheek. 

“is me kissing you some sort of validation or…?”

“not really,” changgu takes a breath softly, opening his eyes that he didn’t realize even closed. it must’ve been the effect of shinwon’s soothing touch over his skin. “i just missed your kisses. so much.” 

“that’s the changgu i know and love,” shinwon whispers as he leans in, slotting his lips softly on changgu’s. changgu feels bad that the kiss might be a bit salty for shinwon due to all the tears, but for now, his hand reaches out to curl into shinwon’s shirt. 

over the past few months, changgu has learned that in his darkest times, he should reach out to people who care for him. it took awhile for him to realize, too caught up in the need to keep his image, but the person who helped him the most was and still is shinwon. 

after that shooting, shinwon pulled changgu aside. he took him to dinner. he took him to dorm a. he took him to bed and held him and let him spill over all his raw feelings. 

changgu felt ashamed that day too. until then, he hid a lot of feelings from his lover, but in his mind, it made sense. he didn’t want to burden shinwon as their relationship was blooming so nicely at that time. 

he confessed that night that he hid so much, urged his boyfriend to be angry, but shinwon was exactly the opposite. he soothed changgu until his breathing evened. he ran his fingers in his hair soothingly. he even helped patch him up the next morning for musical practice. 

when shinwon pulls away this time, changgu keeps his eyes shut. his thoughts begin to collect themselves again instead of scattering all over the place. he takes a deep breath while his grip relaxes in shinwon’s shirt. 

“again.” with a light chuckle, shinwon grants him another kiss, except it comes in two kisses. then three. then plenty more that scatter all over his face and makes him laugh at shinwon’s playful antics. when he opens his eyes again, changgu gazes through heavy eyelashes at shinwon who tilts his head and smiles at him. 

“feeling better?”

“yeah,” changgu straightens up but shinwon naturally curls around to hold him. changgu balls his fists in his eyes to get rid of any more tears and laughs a bit as the heaviness lifts from his shoulders. “i feel silly.” 

“we all feel like that when we cry,” shinwon mentions as he closes the lid on the half-eaten food. 

“ah, we wasted so much,” changgu pouts as he sees the amount through the white walls of the container. 

“do you want to finish it?” 

“no,” changgu shifts so he can snuggle under shinwon’s arm a bit more. “i just want you.” changgu can feel shinwon’s smile into his hair as he rests his head on him. they stay in a short but comfortable silence as shinwon plays with strands of his hair. 

“thank you, hyung,” changgu says softly after enough time has passed that the warmth from shinwon’s body spreads all over his.

“anytime, changgu.” 

“is that your new guitar?” changgu asks quietly, quick to change the subject. however, he knows shinwon was excited about this for days and he wants to indulge shinwon after having to deal with him for the last half hour. 

“oh it is. it just came today. want to see?” changgu nods furiously as shinwon removes himself from him. he brings the guitar up and holds it in his lap as changgu stares in awe. his fingers skim over stripped area, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“hyung, did you get scammed-”

“no, it adds character.” changgu lets out a laugh as shinwon strums it lightly, trying out some chords before setting it aside. 

“play that song hyung.” 

“which song?”

“that one you suggested the other day. on vlive.” 

“i don’t know how to play that song yet.” changgu shakes his head, whining. 

“not on your guitar~ on your phone.” 

“slow dancing in a burning room?” nodding, changgu tugs on shinwon’s arm lightly. 

“i want to dance with you.” it’s shinwon’s turn to let out a laugh as he searches for the song. he turns it on and offers a hand to changgu. they get up and changgu just hugs shinwon, his head laying on his chest again. after a moment of surprise, shinwon loops his arms around changgu’s waist and they sway softly to the song. 

“you know,” shinwon starts about midway through the song, “i think this song is actually about a break-up so this isn’t really a romantic song to dance to. well, we aren’t really dancing right now anyways.” 

“it’s fine because my english isn’t that good anyways~ i can pretend it has pretty romantic lyrics~” shinwon chuckles into his hair, placing a kiss on the top of his head.

as they continue to rock to the music, switching over to a harry styles song, changgu can’t help but melt into the moment. he knows it won’t last forever, that hyunggu will burst in any moment to do work with a complaint that they’re being mushy in  _ his  _ studio, but changgu doesn’t care. 

this is a moment where changgu thinks it’s okay to get lost in his own little world because shinwon is there. shinwon is there to tug him away if he falls for another black hole’s pull, to let him escape from all the bad things and put him back in orbit. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this fic! i wrote this when i was going through it tm and it made me feel a bit better. the self projection a bit too real in some parts but- anyways
> 
> [youtuber voice] if you liked this, kudos and comment for more- 
> 
> ps i'd like to believe changgu was the photographer for shinwon's guitar day afterwards :)


End file.
